LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I have a black belt in leather
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Bread puns are on the rise!