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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip