Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot
Linkin Park implies the existence of Linkin Neutral, Linkin Reverse, and Linkin Drive.
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I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.