@ccase91

Linkin Park implies the existence of Linkin Neutral, Linkin Reverse, and Linkin Drive.

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@i_theindian

Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot

@aksorojas

I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@OrdinaryAlso

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@mdob11

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@Tmoney68

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.