Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
All. The. Damn. Time.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day