Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time