*lint rolls you awake*
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
that de-escalated quickly
