Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You Might Also Like
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”