Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem