Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

But that’s none of my business

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?