Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Every. Damn. Time.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

smartest karate player in the world

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

i really liked this one

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.