Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean