Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Doggies just call it style.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)