Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*