Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes