Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”