Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

seems like a niche market

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Reporter: *ports again*

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes