Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

And then there were 4