Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear