Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils