Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit