Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody’s gonna understand

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

are they though??

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl