Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Stop sending me this shit.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie