Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die