*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.