Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.