Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
new record!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.