Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
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That’s amazing.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama