Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.