“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.