liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
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it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I love wikipedia
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
We found love in a hopeless place.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish