liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
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Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Just a bush.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out