The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.