@buhsbaby_baby

Liquor Store Cashier: Wow! Big party this weekend?

Me: No.

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@brucepoontip

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

@Kids_kubed

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

@MafiaJoker78

I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@batkaren

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@SlappNuttz

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.