Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

That’s no pocket rocket.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.