Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
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Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Yes 😂
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl