Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
i smell a pulitzer
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Message from the dog groomers
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?