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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5