Liquor Store Parking
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.