Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*