[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
#StillHurts
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.