Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.