Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Lmao

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon