Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

The sacred texts.