Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
LA today:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?