Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

you have three unread messages

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Breakfast for Stoners:

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

At least he brought enough for everyone

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.