Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Now, where’s the sport in that?
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.