Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
This one, by a wide margin
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.