Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
shut up and take my money
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.