list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.