Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

I’m sorry…what?

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

DOOO EEEET

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

#NoRestForTheWicked