List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
According to math, I’m broke
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I will never stop laughing at this
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Every haunted house movie:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”