Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me