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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion