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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me