List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
This sounds bad:
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.