List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm