Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I think they could have phrased this better

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

🤣could you imagine

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.