Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Still my favourite meme.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

it was love at first sight

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.