listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”