Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

lmao

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.