listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Get in loser we’re going crying
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!