listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.