“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
You Might Also Like
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?