“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out