“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
not seeing the problem
