“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do