Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
sliding into dms like
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards