Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.