Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

live long and prosper!

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

wait a minute….

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?