Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Wise advice
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I think this should do it.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.