Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Doctors texting each other.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
those birds must be on payroll
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN