Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
