Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.