Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Suuuuure

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.