Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I didn’t realize that was an option
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.