Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.